I wrote “Our Baby Story” during the pregnancy of our first child together. Originally, I wanted to write down my thoughts and experiences so that this child could read about it when they were grown. However, after only the first few weeks of writing I discovered that my wife was finding meaning in them. She said she looked forward to reading them so that she would have a better understanding of what I was feeling and thinking. She wanted to know what it was like from the other side of the relationship. I guess it seems to be much different, but yet the same as what she was going through. Somehow, through my writings, she was able to experience my side.
A while after our baby was born my wife told me that I should post this story so others could read it. She thought it might be a help to men or women that just want to hear what a soon-to-be Dad may be going through. I still don’t know exactly how I feel about this, but, as you can see I decided to post it. It’s long, some funny, some sad, but it’s what I felt at the time….
As I have grown spiritually over the last few years my thoughts have grown and changed as well. Some of the things mentioned in this story, although humorous, would not be what I would expect out of myself if I were to write a similar account during our next pregnancy. Bless God for allowing me to grow and become a better man and father. Bless my wife for always being right by my side.
| A forward by the father… |
There are some things that are beautiful, precious, adorable, fascinating, bewildering, scary, and just plain terrifying all at the same time. Let’s take my wife’s pregnancy for instance! For almost 10 years now I have wanted a child. I’ve wanted to play blocks in the middle of the floor, take my little girl to the zoo or my little boy to his first real baseball game. Those are the beautiful, precious, adorable, and fascinating things. I have three words for the pregnancy… bewildering, scary, terrifying!
Let me set a little background first. I’m 30 years old and never had children. My wife is widowed from a previous marriage and has two beautiful children, a girl and boy, 7 and 4 respectively. So what does that make me? The provider! The Beginner! The Rock! The Bewildered! Ok so here I was, instant husband &
father! Perfect, the children that I’ve always wanted along with the best wife I could ask for!
Before we were married, Rebecca had asked me about having children; that is, if I wanted children of my own. We had this discussion many times, even when we were just friends and was completely oblivious to the possibility of us being married some day. The answer was always the same. I would Love to have children! So when we decided to get married, it was obvious that we were going to try to have a baby. Little did I realize what was coming!
I learned something about my wife during those few weeks. Yes, I said a few
weeks. Not months of trying and acting upon desire and fate. Let me tell you,
she took this baby making very serious! Here I am, a male, thinking I knew
everything I needed to know about making a child. I mean, most kids figure out the basics very young. But I was 30. I knew it all! How hard could it be? Sex
on a regular basis, a missed period, a pregnancy test, and there you go. (Ok ladies stop laughing) But when my wife mentioned charting and prenatal thermometer, I didn’t know what to think. “Honey, are you feeling ok?” was my first response. (Yep I could still make her laugh) Then there was something about cervical mucus. I said ok, I think I’ve heard quite enough… but she, on the other hand, was completly serious. Guys, if your wife is serious about having a baby, and you don’t know what I’m talking about, well, your about to go through baby boot camp! If your not sure how serious she is, here’s a hint. If you see the book
“Taking Charge of Your Fertility” lying around the house, be afraid, be very afraid!
| First Eight Weeks… |
Looking back now, it’s a wonder anyone gets pregnant. I learned things during that time that I could never dream about. Every day I handed her the thermometer at 5:30am and checked cervical mucus after work. I listened as she explained the chart she had been making and watched as all the signs and
numbers led up to ovulation. Amazing! I felt like we had just finished the triathlon! And I was a part of it!
Well, it was done. Everything. Everything we could possibly do to ensure the pregnancy for that month. There was just one last hurdle we had to jump… the wait. Ovulation had come and gone but it was still to early to know for sure if we were pregnant. Ah, but my wife comes to the rescue. I am presented with a list of pregnancy tests that are supposed to show pregnancy in as little as seven days. My job, to find them! How hard could it be right? Run into the local Wal-Mart and pick up a couple. Right? Wrong! There were mountains of pregnancy tests, just not the ones on the list! Drug stores, supermarkets, little store here, little store there. This made the triathlon seem like a walk around the block. Finally, in a little glass shelf, at the base a pharmacy, inside a grocery store, we found them. We bought and took, I think, 10 tests
all together. They “all” showed positive. She said she wanted to be sure. How much more sure can you be? So there it is. I’m now a soon to be father of newborn baby.
 7 Weeks Old |
By the time you figure out your wife is pregnant, the baby is 4 to 5 weeks old
according to ‘Doctors laws’. Already, I’ve missed out on the first month of the child’s life and didn’t even know it. Shouldn’t there be a warning buzzer or something saying.. Hello?? I’m here! No chance at that. But, 4 weeks into it and I find myself asking.. “now what?” My wife is feeling the changes emotionally and physically. She has plunged into “What to Expect When Your Expecting” and is brushing up on every web site available concerning pregnancy. Me? Well… It’s finally happened. Shock, denial, bewilderment. This didn’t really happen did it? Was I meant to be a daddy? I mean, this isn’t real. I’m dreaming. It’s too good to be true! 4 weeks of this! Every day I woke wondering if the whole episode was from an old re-run of “One Life to Live”. I couldn’t comprehend the thought of me actually taking part of the creation of a baby. A human life. I’m not that good… that brilliant… that… AMAZING! And I was right! My wife is! Even so, all it took was one glance into my wife’s beautiful eyes and I knew that it was real. That what had happened between us was about to become a part of us. A part of our lives forever.
Up until now I’ve had a hard time staying excited about everything. Don’t get me wrong, I am overjoyed about the whole thing. But between trying to convince myself that it IS real and due to the fact that there really hasn’t been any significant changes in our lifestyle, it has been difficult to keep excitement
stirred inside myself. So many worries. Will I know how to handle a new born baby? Do we have enough money to buy and do all the things we are going to want for the child. To a mother these things just seem natural. Of course she’ll know how to hold the child, care for him and nurture him. But to a man, that’s
pressure, high stress. The man knows it’s his responsibility to make sure everything is where it should be when the baby comes. He’s the provider, the rock. And if things aren’t exactly the way they should be when that child enters the world. He has failed the child. What a way to start a relationship with your newborn. Having to explain to your new 8 pound Boss that the papers aren’t exactly filed in the appropriate cabinet… And the movers haven’t exactly showed up with ALL the furniture yet. What’s the boss going to say? “Your Fired!” comes to mind. At least, that’s what was going through my mind. Come on, my wife by now is starting to portray an emotional circus. I think I’m allowed to loose a brain cell or two during these weeks, right?
 8 Weeks Old |
By the 8th week I had somewhat realized that in about 7 more months there will be another addition to our family. We have started picking out names, looking at baby furniture and bedding. We even started looking at baby monitors, clothes, and strollers. A man can’t help but be drawn to the high-tech baby monitors, and rockers. Some of them have more buttons and functions than my car. I even found a baby monitor that I could hook to my computer! I can just see my wife now when I present that idea to her! As for me, you can rest assured that excitement really hasn’t been problem now that I’ve realized fatherhood suites me.
| Week 9 |
 8 to 9 Weeks Old |
You know, day by day is always a mystery. Nevermore can I guess at her mood by the way she reacts in the morning when she crawls out of bed. I forget my role in this movie sometimes and allow myself to get in bad moods and even so far as to say things that didn’t come out the way I meant or wanted to. Now, let me start by saying my wife is a VERY strong woman. I’d play odds against most men in her favor when it comes to the battle field. But Morning sickness?? Whoever came up with that term is more ignorant than I am when it comes to a pregnant woman! Try 24 hour sickness. I feel helpless; to look in her eyes and see how bad she really feels even though she tells me she’s just fine. I know those words are only spoken to try to give me some comfort and try not to allow the
sickness rule our time together. How can I compare to that? To know that she is thinking about me at a time where she probably feels worse than she ever has in her life. Evey minute of every day I try to remember how she is feeling at that exact moment. Even right this minute, as I write these words and feeling physically fine, she is experiencing a constant sickness. It’s this that makes me realize just how strong she really is. And I admire her and all women for that.
Whether it’s sickness or mood swings or whatever, there’s only one thing to keep in mind. “It’s the little things”. You would think that a man needs to play this huge role to keep order while your wife’s emotions running ramped. Well here’s your big role.. Remember who you fell in Love with, thing about her all the time, and don’t forget the little things. I was driving home from work this week and was talking to my wife on the cell phone. Now, me being one that always try to plan at least a little ahead, I had stopped at the store earlier and picked up a few things we needed. Among those few things was a box of Dreft laundry detergent for the baby. When I mentioned this to her she screamed in the phone. My first thought was ‘What did I do Wrong?’, But this time I had done something right! She was thrilled! The baby’s first box of laundry detergent!! I mean that’s exciting right??!! Well after she told me how wonderful and thoughtful I was, I thought to myself, it’s the little things. But never did I expect laundry detergent to cause such a comotion! Hey, I’ll accept it!
Thursday was our first doctor’s visit and the first ultrasound. Where do I begin to explain this one? I was a nervous wreck. That morning I had so many mixed feelings I really didn’t know which way was up. The thought of a strange man putting his hands all over my wife while I watched didn’t thrill me; the
thought of seeing my unborn child on a video screen for the first time made me anixous; and understanding that reality was going to set in at any time scared me half to death.
I first watched the doctor do a papsmear on my wife. He allowed me to actually see my wife’s cirvix. Guys, I know the thought of seeing this is not first on your list of manly ‘guy’ things. But the image I hold in my head of where my unborn child will pass through during labor is something I can’t explain. The ultrasound was incredible. Setting there, with my wife at my side, watching the heartbeat of my unborn child, no bigger than about an inch in length. Some things just can’t be put into words. The doctor gave us about three pictures and a video to take home. I still look at the video in amazment. I sometimes think my wife gets a better kick out of watching my reactions than the actual video. It was truely a remarkable experience.
| Weeks 10 through 13 |
 10 Weeks Old |
Well now I’ve done it. I broke down and bought some furniture for our baby. I started out with just a crib; next thing I know I’ve bought a dresser and changing table too! Along with a bottle warmer, diapers, baby wipes, and several other things that I can’t keep up with. How can you say no when you wife looks at you with those eyes that say, “But I’m pregnant and I don’t feel well.”? I obviously can’t. Ok I’ll admit I’m loving it too! I’m getting used to the fact that there is a nursery in the house. I’m still having trouble believing that my child will soon be laying in the crib I assembled. It’s almost like winning the lottery. You’d love for it to happen but just can’t believe it could happen to you.
You know, just as I think I’m becoming used to and even expecting certain emotions and actions from my wife, they change! I was getting good at knowing how she held her head when she felt bad; by the way her eyes fell heavy when her head was hurting. Now things are changing and I’m not quite sure what to
think. She has her appetite back for sure.. although it IS an odd one! She hasn’t craved pickles and ice cream but the thought of watermelon and a three musketeers sounded fantastic to her! Don’t ask, it’s one of those things I’m trying to get used to myself.
Speaking of eating.. I think I’ve finally met my match on keeping her stomach satisfied. One evening we are setting on the couch after work. She says to me, “I want some pizza. I’ve got to have Pizza.” So what do I do? I go get some of course. I drive down the street to the nearest pizza place and wait while they make one just the way she like’s it. As I arrive back home about 20 or 30 minutes later, I call out for her and let her know that I’m back with the pizza. I put a couple of pieces on a place and take it too her. As I walk into
the room I notice her putting a bag of chips on the floor along with some salsa. A mostly empty bag of chip I might add. She takes one bite of the pizza and says she is full. I look at her, then the pizza, then the bag of chips. I hear a faint “sorry” coming from my wife’s lips, followed by, “I just couldn’t wait, I was starving!” I just shook my head and started to laugh. She joined me and in a few minutes we were arm in arm watching TV again. And to think that I thought that kind of stuff only happened in the movies!
 12 Weeks Old |
Although the pizza incident was the first it wasn’t and won’t be the last. It wasn’t but about a week later that she was craving a hamburger from Applebee’s as she munched on a bag of chips in the car. But by the time we sat down, ordered and were served, her only interest in the hamburger was to cut it neatly in half and set each half at the opposite side of the plate. She did manage to poke at it a few time with her fingers but I think she was just testing the freshness of the buns!
You would think that things like this would drive a man crazy but I have to admit I’m loving it! I get so tickled at watching her and she can’t help but feel the same when she sees me. You see, my wife cries when she’s happy. Big tears fill her eyes and stream down her face as she laughs! I’ve made it a goal of mine to see just how much I can make her cry during the pregnancy. I figure the more she cry’s from laughing the less she is thinking about how bad she probably feels. I can’t stop the sickness, but I can try to make her so happy she forgets about it, at least for a little while.
 15 Weeks Old |
Finally some relief! I was really starting to think that it was going to be like this the whole pregnancy. There were days I just wanted to pull my hair out. Things got so stressful, I didn’t know where to turn. My wife kept telling me that the child was trying to kill her, joking of course. ( well sort of..) But while our beautiful child was taking her toll physically on my wife, she was turning me into an emotional dart board and getting closer and closer to bulls eye. Ok your right I shouldn’t complain, and I’m not. The day I finally hold that bundle of life in my arms will make all of this seem like nothing more than a small inconvenience. Even so, things are getting much better now. The headaches are starting to go away and there seem to be more good days than bad.
 Dec 14th, 1999 |
We’ve had a couple of doctors appointments. One was, well, less than informative due to one of the doctors that didn’t exactly impress us. Although the other doctor has been great. The appointment we just had gave us a small surprise. While the doctor was waiting for the nurse to come in, he decided to do a quick ultrasound. This one wasn’t scheduled, wasn’t planned, and wasn’t needed. He just thought we would enjoy taking a quick look while we were waiting. Can you ask for a better doctor than that? We aren’t scheduled for another ultrasound until January. I couldn’t believe it. There, on the screen, I saw the face of our baby. Eyes, nose, mouth, shoulders, even an arm and a hand.. a whole baby. I was completely amazed at how much had happened inside my adorable wife in the last couple of months. All the hard times and sleepless nights didn’t hold a candle to what was in front of my eyes at that very moment. That child was turned and looking straight ahead. As if looking straight at me. I almost wanted to speak, say hi, hello in there. Incredible. Amazing. Guys, think about it. Each part of you, from you fingernails to a blade of hair was formed inside you’re mother when she was developing you. And if your wife is pregnant, admire her for what she is able to do for your child.
| Weeks 18 through 20 |
 18 Weeks Old |
At the beginning of this I talked about things that were beautiful, precious, adorable, fascinating, bewildering, scary, and just plain terrifying. Well, I left out a word. Jealous! Somewhere around week 18 my wife started feeling our child move. Only very slightly at first but everyday a little stronger and stronger. I tried so many times to lay my hand on her stomach and try to feel something, anything. Our little brat wasn’t willing! Every time I would lay my hand down, all movement would stop. It was like the little one was teasing me! Pick my hand up, and here we go kicking and moving again. So I’ve decided the child either hates me or is just getting a head start on all the times we will probably pick at each other during our lives. I’m so jealous that my wife can feel every movement. I’d love to feel our child move and kick. It has to be the most bewildering thing to experience.
| Weeks 21 and 22 |
It happened! Finally!! I felt the child kick. Up until now I haven’t been able to distinguish between a kick and my wife’s heartbeat. But this morning there was no question! My wife was actually asleep when I laid my hand on her stomach. Almost instantly I felt a kick, and another. The child kicked 4 or five times while I sat there in amazement. I even felt movement. That little hard ball squirmed around under my fingers before cuddling down for a nap. I was so excited! My wife was still sleeping and I debated on waking her up to tell her but I always hate waking her up for any reason. Even reasons as good as this one. But, maybe I will go back upstairs and tell her about my wonderful experiences this morning. I know she’ll be as excited as I am. Life is truly amazing!
| Week 23 |
 Jan 11th, 2000 |
On January 11th, 2000 I watched as our doctor peered into the ultrasound screen. He showed us the heart, stomach, feet, hands, legs, and head of our little one. He printed pictures and scanned across my wifes stomach left to right and back left again. I stared at the screen in amazement. Incredible, that’s what it was, a miracle, God’s miracle. Setting there in my dress clothes that I had worn to work that day; remembering all the little things that were so important that morning, suddenly didn’t mean anything anymore. Watching the miracle of life before my eyes made me feel small and unimportant. Not in a bad way, but knowing there is something bigger, something unexplainable, made me realize just where my priorities are and what I have to be thankful for. I held my wife’s hand as we anticipated the next few words that would come out of our doctors mouth. All this time we have been dieing to know if were were going to have a boy or girl. Now, after what seemed like a life time of waiting we were watching our little miracle turn, twist, kick, and hiccup and we were just about to find out something that would change our lives forever. The doctor was silent as he looked closely trying to make a firm decision. “I don’t see anything that would lead me to believe it’s a boy, so it’s looks like you’ll be having a little girl.” A Girl! A Little Girl! I… I… I couldn’t believe it! I was standing there looking at my little girl! Something that I thought could never happen to me… just did. I didn’t know if I deserved what I was seeing, but I knew at that point my life meant nothing in comparison to what was before me.
After we left the doctors office we went straight to a department store to buy our first little girl outfit. It was exciting! I mean, to think in just a few short months my little girl will be wearing this outfit as I hold her in my arms. The thought is overwhelming even as I sit here writing. I think it all came crashing down as I was standing in the store. My wife was looking at the bedding and I was a few isles over standing in front of baby bottles, baths, and toys. A touch of reality set in and water filled my eyes as I thanked the Lord above for what he has given me. I couldn’t help what I was feeling inside. I can’t explain even now the overwhelming feeling of happiness and joy that flowed out the drops of water at the tips of my eyelids. My life is forever changed.
| Week 24 through 25 |
 24 weeks |
Well I thought we were in the clear. I thought the rough part was behind us. I thought wrong. My wife’s been through months of sickness, and headaches. And now, after only a few weeks rest and feeling somewhat decent, something called braxton-hicks have set in. Now personally, I think this sounds like a pop singer with the hiccups but I’ve found out that it’s actually mild labor pains. Basically, her body is “training” for labor; kind of like “training” for a marathon, only a little more painful. (My wife would disagree with the word ‘little’) This whole event is actually quite amazing. Her body not only has created life, but now knows when to start preparing itself to deliver that life into the world. And speaking of preparing, I’ve also found out that the baby knows when it’s time to deliver. I’m a little off the subject here but I find that incredible. The unborn child turns upside down in order to deliver head first. I don’t remember reasoning to myself that I should ‘look toward the light’ during labor! I must have been smarter than I thought. My teachers always told me I had potential if I would apply myself. I think I applied myself pretty well. I’m here aren’t I? Ok, Ok.. back to the original subject.. as I was saying, these braxton-hicks have set in. It’s actually causing a lot of pain in my wifes lower back. Enough pain to cause walking nearly impossible at times. Last Friday, the pain got so bad we went to the doctor to make sure there were no problems. “Everything is normal” they told us. Normal?? Normal to who? I don’t recall immense back pain being a normal part of life! “Normal to some pregnancies” I found out. Especially women that have had more than one child. Well that was a relief to our mind but not to my wife’s back. So we left the doctors office with an eased mind and prescription medicine.
You know, there are only two things in this world that mean more to me than my own life; my wife and my kids. To watch my wife endure the pain that she does during pregnancy and know that I can’t do a thing about it rips my heart out. It’s hard for me to imagine exactly what she feels at any given time; feeling the child move must be an incredible feeling but the sickness, headaches, and back pain, not to mention the labor itself, is enough to keep you physically in constant misery. I feel pretty pathetic when I get a cold and complain to my wife that I can’t sleep at night, or the last time I had a headache and she was telling me how sorry she was that I was feeling bad. Men are viewed for the most part as the rugged, tough, “Man of the house” types. But I’m going to enlighten you about something. The other day my wife was having contractions. She still had a headache that she kept all day long. I sat beside her and watched as tears streamed down her face while the contractions were causing her extreme back pain and there was nothing either of us could do to ease it. Now my question to fellow men is, can you handle it? Before you answer, go pick up a hammer and slam it down across your knuckles. Then go shovel a pile of dirt using “only” that hand. I think my wife might agree that would be a close representation of the sharp back pain that she receives during these contractions. However, for most women, other than my own wife, wives are also expected to tend to the other kids that are in the house and have supper
 5 Months |
fixed by the time the husband gets home. Ok so add that to your list, use the hammer, shovel the dirt and then tend to the kids and fix supper. Up for the challenge? I didn’t think so.
I see my wife suffer on a daily basis and my heart skips a beat every time I know she hurts. And do you know the worst part about all of this? She actually apologizes to me for feeling bad. As if she’s causing me some inconvenience for my daily activities. That just amazes me. I’m the one that should be apologizing for not being able to help out with the pain that she’s going through. Regardless, all I’m trying to say once again is I applaud all the women out there, including my wife and my own mother, that endured what most men never give a second thought to. The human race would not continue to exist without your courage. And for those husbands out there that take the time to comfort your wife as she carries your unborn child in her womb, God bless you.
| Weeks 26 through 28 |
 5 Months |
How can I explain this! My wife and I had an ultrasound again this week. Basically it was just to be 100% sure of the sex and to see how we are progressing. I didn’t expect what I saw. The doctor moved the scope across her stomach. We saw legs and feet, an arm here and even a hand every now and then. I thought that was just perfect. To see all the parts of her body was just amazing. As the doctor moved slowly up I saw her stomach, heart beat and then finally an outline of her head. He had stopped when her head appeared and we watched as she moved around a bit. Then it happened… her face appeared! And I’m not talking a skeleton outline. I SAW A FACE! A nose, lips, and eyes open and looking at me. Me… Daddy! Now understand that I’m a pretty quiet person to begin with. But when I saw her, I yelled out right there in the doctors office.. “There’s her face!”. (As if the doctor didn’t know that already) But I couldn’t help it. It WAS her face. I’ve never felt so weak and unstable in my life. Those eyes looking straight into mine. I knew she couldn’t see me but I saw her. I saw my child. To be able to describe what I felt at that moment is impossible. I’m still in amazement.
| Week 29 |
This is the most amazing thing. I can’t begin to explain everything I feel on a daily basis. I have to admit the excitement is overwhelming. There are times I just sit, and for a moment I wonder how it will feel when I hold her in my arms; my own flesh and blood. A life that my wife and I made together. It’s almost too unbelievable to be true. I can’t really comprehend what that will be like. I never thought I would be holding a child of my own. It’s like winning the lottery I guess; one of those things that only happens to someone else. These feelings are more than I ever expected.
And as always, to my wife, you have made me the happiest man in the world and I cherish every day that God allows me to be on this earth with you. Thank you for making my life complete. I Love You Dearly.
| Week 30 |
 7 Months |
I was out of town the first part of this month on business. That was pretty scary feeling actually. When I say out of town, I mean, clear across the country actually. Seven states separated me from my wife and my unborn daughter. Let me tell you it’s a frightening feeling to think about how long it would take to get back home if I needed to. Luckily everything went well. However, I did feel bad for my wife. She had both kids to take to school, plus working, plus the everyday housework that she persists on doing even when she’s feeling near death! I have no idea how she does it.
| Week 31 through 35 |
I have to admit at this point things are getting increasing stressful. They say when a woman is pregnant her hormones can cause extreme mood swings, crying for no reason, and a list of other possibilities. I’ve seen my wife more sensitive to things I say and do now than I ever have. I find myself telling her I’m sorry for everything no matter what it was. And the funny part of that is even though at times I may not have done anything at all, I am still asking for forgiveness and sincerely meaning it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I am appeasing my wife by taking fault for everything that was going on in our household. I AM saying that anytime I saw a tear run down her face over something, anything, that made her upset, I would truly feel hurt and want her pain to instantly go away. I would do anything to keep her from feeling pain. As you can imagine this caused for some pretty dramatic emotional feelings. I feel like I’m the one with the crazy mood swings. To me, she looks stable, and I’m a basket case. I never know what kind of mood I’m going to be in anymore. I feel like I’m on edge all the time. I know she senses it and it’s not making things any easier for either of us. I’ve just got to keep in mind what’s important; My wife and my unborn child. And I Love them Dearly.
| Week 36 |
Things are calming down now. I think the excitement is overtaking any other stressful feelings we were having. We are both focusing on each other and how life is going to be when our precious daughter is here. My wife also quit work a couple of weeks ago, which has helped in many ways. She’s able to get more sleep, and rest when she isn’t feeling well. I’m so glad we were able to do it this way. I could tell she was staying exhausted and it was beating on her emotionally.
| Week 37 |
April 26, 2000
Well here we are, the night before we induce. It’s hard for me to believe that when I leave this house in the morning I won’t be coming home until I have my daughter in my arms. I’ve asked myself over and over… “What will she look like? What color hair will she have? What color eyes?”… All these questions run through my head to the point of making me appear completely absent-minded. I know I seem calm and cool tonight to my wife, but my mind is running wild. I figure she needs someone in this family to at least appear sane. I’m taking a week off work to spend time with my family. It’s probably a good thing just for the simple fact that I can barely function at work as it is. My wife is very nervous right now. I don’t blame her. She knows what is ahead of her and although I’m sure she is overwhelmed with excitement, she has to be petrified at what the labor may bring. I pray that the delivery goes smooth and in just a matter of hours we are holding her in our arms. This all still seems like such a dream. A dream that I’m scared to wake up from.
| Birthday! |
April 27, 2000
I’m forever a changed man. I can’t possibly put into words what has just happened in the last 48 hours. Yea, I can tell you the events, the scary things, and the incredible things. But to tell you what I felt as each thing happened is impossible. No language in the world can describe what I’m talking about. If there are any parents out there that are reading this, then you know exactly what I’m saying. The events leading up to delivery was nothing short of perfect. The nurses were wonderful by trying to comfort my wife during her pain. This whole incident was hard on me. I hate seeing my wife in pain. When they put the epidural needle in her back and she looked up at me with a face of pain like I have never seen on her before, I thought I had just died. The physical pain she was receiving at that exact moment cut through my emotions like a razor blade cutting water. I felt completely helpless. If I never have to see that again it will be too soon.
Slowly the medicine took the edge off the labor pains and the contractions became bearable. They checked progress throughout the morning… dilated to 2, 2 1/2, 3. The doctor checked once more and proclaimed 4 1/2. As he turned to make some updates on the computer, my wife let out with an intense contraction. The doctor quickly finished up and said that he wanted to check again to make sure nothing had changed. Sure enough it had. “The heads right here..”, I heard him say. What? Now? But, But… As I stood there like statue wondering what was happening around me, the doctor and nurse had already set into action. They pulled up lights, utensils, tables, etc, etc. None of our family in the waiting room had any idea the time was even close, much less here! I felt an urge to call and tell them it was time.. but that thought was only a thought. The nurse pulled up a mirror so my wife could see. The head was crowning and I could see the top of our daughters head. She had hair! Black. Three more contractions and our daughter slipped out into the doctors hands. I think I was in shock. I couldn’t move. He placed her on my wife’s stomach. I reached out to touch her, but I couldn’t. For that passing moment I was afraid to touch her. Staring at her, she seemed so fragile, so delicate. Next thing I know the doctor is asking me to cut the cord. I remember it feeling course and rubbery as I cut it. The nurse picked up our daughter and placed her on the warming table to take her vitals and weight her. I decided that there would never be another ‘now’ and grabbed my camera. I asked my wife how she was doing and headed to my daughter, camera in hand. Poor child, only a matter of a few minutes in the world and she already has someone in her face with camera. 5, 6, 7, or 8, pictures later I stopped. At that point, I managed to reach over and touch her. Her arm felt softer than anything I have ever touched. It took me a minute to catch my breath. I really don’t think I had been breathing between “The heads right here!”, and right now.
The events afterwards are somewhat jumbled. What happened when and where are all a big blur. I remember walking out and telling my mother. I’ll never forget that look of shock. Remember, she had no idea it was even time.
So there I was, Daddy, Father, Provider, Rock. Do you know what I discovered? None of that matters. Standing there, holding my daughter after all this time brought my existence full circle. I realized that there are only two perfect things in life, the miracle of God, and your newborn child. And although I still wonder if I can be everything that I want a dad to be, I know that my love for her will find a way.
 Born April 27, 2000 |
As for my wife, she’s doing great, as I always knew she would. She is probably one of the strongest women I know, and I can’t say how much I admire her for what she has endured, and what she has given me. I hope she always knows how much I Love Her.
The beginning….
